It's like Bridget Jones' Diary, but with a super-powered vigilante.

November 19, 2004

Underwear Recommendations for Urban Avengers

Score! Butt Huggers! I had Amazon ship me some underwear at work - Paul Frank Butt Huggers. It's a 3 pack of Butt Hugging briefs in stylish colors.

Briefs are by far the best underwear for crimefighting. I've tried a number of different styles of underwear beneath my body armor, and briefs come out on top. Not literally on top, like Superman; it's a metaphor. Or an aphorism, something.

Anyway, the underwear. Under layers of ballistic nylon and Nomex and Kevlar, you want lightweight underwear that doesn't bunch up or heat up.

-Boxers: Boxers bunch up right when you're pulling the armor on, and just stay bunched up the whole time. Uncomfortable. Not recommended.

-Boxer briefs: These are okay, but they heat up under all that high-tech material, leading to some nasty crotch sweat. Marginally recommended.

-Biker shorts: These tight fitting polyester shorts are like a deep fryer for your groin. Not recommended.

-Briefs: The best choice. Lightweight fabric, low surface area, snug; briefs are the optimum undergarment for crimefighting, provided you wear them under your armor.

-Thongs/jockstrap: Not recommended.

-Going commando: I tried this for a night. There was chafing. Bad chafing. The kind of chafing Job would get. Not recommended.

In summary: I recommend briefs.

3 comments:

that guy said...

i agree with you on this. i usually wear boxers, but there are certain circumstances (tight costumes, pants, etc) that require a level of...support for 'the kids'. there lies the beauty of the butt-huggers.

Velvet Marauder said...

I should point out that I think briefs are best for crimefighting and other physical activities, but that in my ultra-secret identity as marketing guy Douglas Connor Mackenzie, I wear boxers.

K.Fox, Jr. said...

I wear boxer briefs myself. Briefs are just too tight around my... Woah, TMI on my part. Sorry. Peace.