"Death Rock from Space"

Wow, so people are really freaked about the giant sentient asteroid that almost destroyed all life on earth yesterday. What pussies.

At work nobody even noticed my new black cable knit sweater, which sort of makes me look like the sailor in the 70’s Old Spice commercials. Nobody even said anything; everybody was too traumatized by the asteroid, which the Storm Riders destroyed.

The Pentagon describes the asteroid threat as “an extinction level event.” Here’s a tip for the Pentagon: never refer to anything as an “extinction level event” even if it’s over and done. It tends to scare the shit out of people. The media isn’t helping the situation, either. The Inquisitor headline reads: “Death Rock from Space!” Isn’t that an Alien Sex Fiend album? All the news stations are broadcasting round the clock footage of the crisis and they’re running out of footage and experts to interview.

I guess there was an insane meteor shower last night as chunks of the fractured asteroid skipped off the Earth’s atmosphere. I slept through the whole thing.

Nobody’s working today at my office, which is half empty. Everybody’s surfing the Internet or watching the news in one of the break rooms or emailing each other about the narrowly averted demise of the species. Wookie starts weeping and collapses, the victim of a full-on anxiety attack. Corine looks frail and shaky, and keeps repeating, “It’s just so scary.” Fred Schneider has to go smoke a joint in his car just to keep calm. The girl with the white hair in AP is handing out klonopin to everyone.

The weird thing is that I’m not fazed by the near-miss apocalypse. I can’t blame anybody who finds the whole deal terrifying, because it is. The fucked up thing is that my primary reaction to this episode is not fear…

It’s envy.

I’m sort of jealous, really, of the Storm Riders. I don’t think I’ll ever play at that level. They saved the entire fucking planet. I find myself wondering what role the Midnight Rambler played during the whole crisis. Was he in a Storm Shuttle directing Valkris, Storm Lord, and Dr Quark in their battle, or did he just sit the whole thing out at the Weather Center? I mean, it’s not like he’s an Asgardian goddess or storm elemental or Surgeon of Reality or anything, he’s a vigilante like me. He doesn’t even have any powers. I really wonder what the Rambler did, and what I would do if I was in the Storm Riders instead of him.

But I’m not in the Storm Riders, or even the Minute Men, or any of those guys. I’m never going to save the world. Never.

Jesus, what kind of narcissistic asshole gets bummed out when the Earth gets saved from destruction by a pantheon of demi-gods? Me.

Doesn't anybody like my sweater?