Media Coverage

I totally forgot to post the media response to the Halloween Hungry Ghost Massacre.

As you might imagine, the discovery of dozens of corpses in various states of headlessness and liquidity inside the Asian Art Museum is a big deal and the usually sober and professional local media responds by… what’s the phrase I’m looking for? Ah, yes… by going apeshit.

“HALLOWEEN HOLOCAUST” screams the Evergreen Inquisitor headline. “Dozens dead and dismembered” These guys must have master’s degrees from the Stan Lee School of Alliteration.

The Times headline gets points for their direct approach: “BLOOD BATH! Velvet Marauder key person of interest in Asian Art Museum massacre.”

I Tivo’d the local TV news. KLUB 11’s coverage featured a breathless Leslie Milton standing in front of a backdrop of police lights and body bags and windbreaker clad Todd Gregory circling over the museum in the KLUB helicopter. “Evergreen City police are not saying whether the vigilante and an unnamed woman spotted at the scene are suspects in the deaths, only that they are persons of interest,” shouts Leslie Milton over the sound of helicopters. Persons of interest: that doesn’t sound good.

KORN and KARP’s footage is just like KLUB 11’s – somebody in a windbreaker urgently reporting from a scene alive in strobing lights and rotor wash. “Responding officers found a scene straight out of the Rue Morgue,” says the KARP chick, who gets mad props for the Poe reference. “…a bloody orgy of gore and severed heads,” says the KORN guy, who looks sexually aroused by the whole scene.

Back to Leslie Milton, who shouts, “We’ve just learned that police are reviewing museum security camera footage and are calling in their occult experts. This is not official, but we believe that the police suspect zombie activity. As to what role the mysterious Velvet Marauder played in this grisly scene? Who can say?”

I can say! I saved Evergreen City from a Hungry Ghost Apocalypse!

On the plus side, Leslie Milton called me “mysterious” again. Maybe that can be my hyperbolic descriptor: mysterious. All of the classic Marvel heroes had what I call “hyperbolic descriptors,” adjectives or clauses that became part of their name, like The Amazing Spider-Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Uncanny X-Men, or Daredevil, the Man Without Fear. Maybe I could be The Mysterious Velvet Marauder.

It’s better than “midnight maniac.”