"Something viral"

I call in sick again. I talk to Corine, Dragon Lady's assistant.

"Yeah, I'm going to work from home today," I say. "I feel like ass. Something viral."

"Gosh, you sound awful," Corine says.

I sound awful because I'm talking to her upside down. Here's a tip: if you have to call in sick, don't try to "act" sick or cough or ham it up. Just turn yourself upside down on your couch or something and talk normally. You sound different enough that it will be misinterpreted as illness.

Corine says she'll tell Dragon Lady and wishes me a speedy recovery. She's sweet.

Great, another day off to nurse my wounds. I can't go to work looking like this; my ear has swollen to twice it's normal size and I've got a black eye. My shoulder is fucked up - I think I better go see a chiropractor.