It's like Bridget Jones' Diary, but with a super-powered vigilante.

February 21, 2005

The Restricted Zone

What a big hassle this anti-life meteor has turned out to be.

You’ll recall last month the Storm Riders saved the world (again) from an “infection” of anti-life that was deposited via meteor in Canada’s Yukon Territory. Of course you do, how would you have missed that? Space zombies and shit? Anyway, the undead apocalypse was narrowly averted, but now we’re left with a huge black cordoned area in the Yukon that is saturated with anti-life radiation, sort of a Lovecraftian Chernobyl. (see posts Yes! Space Zombie Apocalypse 1/05 and How the Baron Escaped/Space Zombie Update 1/05)

The newly created Restricted Zone extends from Inuvik in the Northwest Territories on the Beaufort Sea to Dawson in the Yukon and even into a bit of Alaska. It’s a huge swath of land, made even larger by the buffer zones between the actual radioactive area and the troops who are enforcing the cordon. The Canadian military is competent, but not large, and maintaining the quarantine isn’t cheap. The Canadians have asked for help from the U.N., who I believe are scheduled to begun debating whether it’s appropriate to refer to the phenomenon as “anti-life.” They'll get right on it. The U.S. has already shuffled an assload* of troops up to eastern Alaska to man their section of the Zone, and I think they’re supplying air cover. Nobody knows how long this is going to go on, and Earth’s go-to guy for shit like this, Dr. Quark, the Surgeon of Reality, hasn’t made any public statements to ease anyone’s minds. He’s sort of the Alan Greenspan of the supernatural world; if he’s not talking, something’s wrong.

Oh. I forgot about the caribou.

Environmentalists from around the world are gathering in White Horse, Yukon to protest the Restricted Zone, which apparently covers the winter range of the migratory Porcupine caribou herd. The Canadian government plans to enforce the quarantine and keep the herd out of the Restricted Zone until they know if it’s safe to enter. They don’t want 150,000 zombie caribou rampaging across their country, and I gotta say, I can see their point. The environmentalists are pissed because neither the Canadian nor American governments have publicly released any data on the anti-life phenomenon. I can see their point, too. I mean, really, what the hell is going on? Is there still space zombie dust up there or what?

The political and social ramifications of a space zombie meteor are both profound and pathetic. The blogs are going crazy with it; I’m sure you’ve read some of the conspiracy theories, like: The Storm Riders did it, they’re taking over the world. Or: The Restricted Zone is just a huge land grab by U.S. petroleum companies. My favorite: Canada was testing super-nukes in the Beaufort Sea. Occult scientists, nuclear physicists, retired generals, and Shirley MacLaine blather and speculate endlessly on the talk shows. College students in Canada have started wearing “No U.S. Troops in Yukon” t-shirts. A religious cult in Idaho has begun a barefoot pilgrimage north to the Restricted Zone for spiritual rebirth and frostbite. In Florida, senior citizens have fallen prey to a scam involving a fake charity to victims of the space zombies. And of course, they did a sketch about the space zombies on Saturday Night Live. It wasn't funny.

The world is such a wonderful, fucked up place.

* ‘Assload’ is an accepted military term. It means a large unit of soldiers, brigade-level or higher.


Anonymous said...

I believe in the British army, it's called an "arseload."

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