“HE’S BACK!” the Inquisitor headline reads in typical histrionic fashion. The Times article is more restrained, but you definitely get the impression that people are happy that the Velvet Marauder is not dead. That makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
As usual I Tivo’d the evening news to see what kind of coverage I get. KARP has the best story for once; they actually interview the old lady I saved from the muggers. Here’s a transcript for your reading pleasure:
KARP reporter Dick Gregory stands in front of an alley in Chinatown, backlit by flashing police lights.
DICK: “For nearly two weeks Evergreen City has wondered about the fate of the super-vigilante The Velvet Marauder, who was last seen in battle onboard Baron von Blitzkrieg’s blimp. Now, here on the streets of Chinatown – an answer to all those who wondered, ‘Where is the Marauder?’”
A shot of the old Asian lady talking to reporters. Dick Gregory’s dialog continues as a voice over.
DICK (V.O.): “Susan Cho was walking back to her Chinatown apartment after a late night trip to a corner grocer when she became the victim of a brutal purse snatching.”
A shot of the old lady (Susan Cho) talking to Dick. She speaks English way better than I speak Cantonese.
SUSAN CHO: “…and then they grab my purse and push me down and they laugh as they run away. Rotten bastards.”
We get a nice lingering shot of the steamy alley where I beat on the two punks.
DICK (V.O.): “Ms. Cho thought her purse was lost as the two thieves ran down this alley. They had escaped Scot free – or so they thought.”
Back to Susan Cho, who is excited now.
SUSAN CHO: “I say to myself, ‘Holy cats, Susan Cho, that’s the Velvet Marauder!’”
A shot of one of the Judo Boys being loaded into the back of a police car.
DICK (V.O.): “Susan’s savior dropped into the alley and made short work of the two would-be purse snatchers, stuffing them in a dumpster, and even calling 911 for her. But was it really the city’s super charged guardian?”
Back to Susan, nodding vigorously.
SUSAN CHO: “Oh yes, it was him. I thanked him and thanked him and said ‘Thank you, Mr. Marauder.’ He was very nice man, very polite. It was him.”
Back to Dick Gregory standing in front of the alley.
DICK: “KARP news has just received footage from the dashboard camera of the police car that responded to the 911 call.”
They run grainy video from the police car’s point of view, just like on all those World’s Wildest Police Car Crash shows. It shows Ms. Cho and I standing in the alleyway next to the dumpster. I’m sort of a shadowy figure, but as the patrol car’s lights sweep over me I briefly turn to face the camera and you can clearly tell that I am me. You know what I mean. I say something to Ms. Cho then leap up out of frame as the police car approaches.
Back to Dick.
DICK: “Evergreen City police have confirmed that, as you’ve just seen, the Velvet Marauder is back, protecting Ms. Cho and the citizens of our city from harm once again. Back to you in the studio, Tina and Mack.”
And that’s it. People love me, what can I say. I think this Baron von Blitzkrieg incident really raised my profile.
If only he hadn’t escaped in that fucking submarine…