It's like Bridget Jones' Diary, but with a super-powered vigilante.

February 14, 2005

The Paracrime Unit

Police Chief Ryczek holds a press conference today outside the South Precinct. It’s on all the channels. Ryczek, who I would charitably describe as grim, is introducing the new head of his special task force, who is, if possible, even more grave and stoic than his boss. Here’s a transcript:

Chief Ryczek:

“When I became Chief of Police recently I made a promise – a solemn promise – to the mayor and the good citizens of Evergreen City that I would do everything in my power to ensure that this stays a stable, law and order town, a place where folks could feel safe raising a family. We’ve already made great strides in reducing street crime, and I know that with the support of the community we’ll continue to make progress on that front. However, recent events in our city have highlighted the need – the urgent need – for a more effective police response to extraordinary threats to our great city.

To that end I am pleased to announce the formation of a new police task force – the Paracrime Unit. Combining the investigative resources of our Robbery/Homicide division and the field capabilities of our SWAT team, the Paracrime Unit is Evergreen City’s newest and best defense against superhuman-level crime.

It is also my pleasure to introduce to you the leader of the Paracrime Unit. He’s had an exceptional career in federal and local law enforcement. Most recently he served – served with distinction – as the head of the El Paso Police Department’s anti-gang unit. I am honored – greatly honored – to be working with him on this exciting project. Ladies and gentlemen, the new leader of the Paracrime Unit, Captain Solomon Sledge.”

I know, I thought the same thing: who the hell names their kid Solomon Sledge?

Captain Sledge takes the podium, and you know what, the name actually fits. He’s a thick necked black guy in his mid-40’s with a gleaming bald head and a bad-ass moustache. His keg shaped torso strains against his dress uniform. He adjusts the mike at the podium with a monstrous hand, glaring out at the assembled press and bureaucrats. How come bald black guys with moustaches look cool, but bald white guys with moustaches look like gay bikers? Anyway, Capt. Sledge reminds me of Ving Rhames.

Captain Sledge:

“Thank you, Chief.

It’s an honor to serve the men and women of Evergreen City, and to work with the fine officers of the Paracrime Unit.

I’ll be brief, because my goal is simple and doesn’t need a lot of explaining. You know, I was a patrol officer in Turbine City in the 80’s. I’ve seen what happens when cities don’t take a proactive, aggressive stance against parahuman crime. Evergreen City isn’t going to degenerate into another superhuman battleground where normal folks don’t feel safe going out at night or sending their kids off to school. That’s not going to happen here. The Evergreen City Police are not going to become impotent in the face of parahuman threats and rely on illegal costumed vigilantes to defend the city. That’s not going to happen here. The goal of the Paracrime Unit is simple: We’re going to make Evergreen City safe from parahuman crime.”

Well, that’s just what I need, a bunch of cops after me. Although it worked for Midnight Rambler, didn’t it? Sort of enhanced his brand, made him a true rebel. All the kids dug him after the TCPD issued a warrant for his arrest. Remember that one rap song about him? “Straight Ramblin’” God, that was awful. I can’t think of the name of the guy who did that.

This doesn’t bode well, this Paracrime thing.