I'm really stressed about meeting Margo and having her recognize me instantly as Connor Mackenzie by my voice. Looking for help of the high-tech variety, I contact My Guy - my anonymous weapons and gadget maker - in a secure chatroom online. Here's the jist of our chat:
ME: Do you have anything that can change my voice?
X9: Non-surgical?
ME: Preferably. Like a gadget or something.
X9: You have two options. The first is a throat crab; a tiny robotic voice modulator that you swallow like a pill. It digs itself into your voice box and allows you to change your voice at will. Throat crabs are remarkably effective.
ME: That sounds like a David Cronenberg movie. What’s the 2nd option?
X9: The second option is a special inhaler that delivers an aerosol drug which lowers your voice for up to two hours. It looks like an asthma inhaler.
ME: I’ll take that one, that sounds good. How many doses per inhaler?
X9: About 24.
ME: Can you overnight me a few inhalers? I’ve got a thing I need them for.
X9: Done. Anything else? We have a special on exploding darts.
ME: I’m good, thanks.
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3 comments:
Oh, DUDE. Throat crabs? Sounds GRODY. The inhaler sounds perfect. If, hijinx-prone.
I can see it now. You're out fighting a giant robot or something and the press unexpected corner you for a few words. The cameras catch you huffing on the inhaler and within the week you're the poster boy for American Asthmatics Association and have a whole new (if deluded and wheezy) fanbase.
Zoot
Throat crab, throat crab!
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