It's like Bridget Jones' Diary, but with a super-powered vigilante.

May 26, 2005

Fun with the voice changer

I get a package in the mail from My Guy: two voice changer thingies. They look like asthma inhalers, with an albuterol label and everything, but they supposedly can lower and change one’s voice. I need them to conceal my identity when I meet Margo as the Velvet Marauder – otherwise I’d open my mouth and she’d recognize my voice in a second. I wish I was good with voices and accents and stuff; then I could just have my own Velvet Marauder voice. But I suck, the only voice I can do is Christopher Walken –seriously, my Walken rules - and I can’t fight crime talkin’ like Walken.

After working out in my gym outbuilding I try the inhaler. I stand in front of the mirror and say, in my normal voice, “Hello, Margo. I am The Velvet Marauder.”

I squeeze a dose of the voice changer inhaler into my mouth, breathing in deeply. I hold my breath to the count of ten, and then exhale, a bitter chemical taste in my mouth.

“Hello, Margo. I am The Velvet Marauder.” Woah! That sounds totally different!

I try it again. “Hello, Margo. I am The Velvet Marauder.” My voice is rich, deep, well-aged – I sound totally different.

“Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.” I laugh. That shit really works!

I should really test this out and call somebody who knows my voice. I call Mitch and Lisa’s house on my cell phone. Mitch answers.


“Can I speak to Mitch, please?” I say in my cool new voice.


“This is Officer Dover with the Washington State Patrol. I’d like to talk to you about an incident that occurred on Monday involving your car.”

“My car? What sort of incident?” Mitch is rattled. He really can’t tell it’s me.

“You don’t know what I’m referring to?”


“It appears, sir, that somebody else was driving your car on Monday.”


“Your mama.” I laugh. The “your mama” gag – the pinnacle of modern western humor.

He sounds annoyed. “Who is this?”

I’m laughing in my deep voice now. “I’m Officer Dover, Mitch! Officer Ben Dover!” I start cracking up; it’s very strange hearing an alien voice coming out of your mouth. Strange and funny. “Wait, here’s my buddy Phil McCavity!” I laugh and laugh. God, I am such a schmuck.

“Fuck off,” Mitch says, and hangs up.

The voice changer fucking rules!


razorsmile said...

Don't go too nuts with it. That s&*t has a way of backfiring on you.

tomthedog said...

I used to go out with Officer Dover's sister, Eileen Dover. She was a fun date.

Anonymous said...

Hey VM, does MyGuy ship overseas?

If so, can you hook me up with him -maybe via an invite? You know my email ...


Velvet Marauder said...

I'll hook you up, man.

jon said...

Looking at allergy asthma info online today while my son coughs I came across this post. Does anyone know a good allergy asthma site to help?


Anonymous said...

lmfao dude u seem like me only..ur not xD Can u tell me were or who u got this from? e mail me at pls :P

Anonymous said...

yeah i need to know where you got these from PLEASE email me the details