I get a package in the mail from My Guy: two voice changer thingies. They look like asthma inhalers, with an albuterol label and everything, but they supposedly can lower and change one’s voice. I need them to conceal my identity when I meet Margo as the Velvet Marauder – otherwise I’d open my mouth and she’d recognize my voice in a second. I wish I was good with voices and accents and stuff; then I could just have my own Velvet Marauder voice. But I suck, the only voice I can do is Christopher Walken –seriously, my Walken rules - and I can’t fight crime talkin’ like Walken.
After working out in my gym outbuilding I try the inhaler. I stand in front of the mirror and say, in my normal voice, “Hello, Margo. I am The Velvet Marauder.”
I squeeze a dose of the voice changer inhaler into my mouth, breathing in deeply. I hold my breath to the count of ten, and then exhale, a bitter chemical taste in my mouth.
“Hello, Margo. I am The Velvet Marauder.” Woah! That sounds totally different!
I try it again. “Hello, Margo. I am The Velvet Marauder.” My voice is rich, deep, well-aged – I sound totally different.
“Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.” I laugh. That shit really works!
I should really test this out and call somebody who knows my voice. I call Mitch and Lisa’s house on my cell phone. Mitch answers.
“Can I speak to Mitch, please?” I say in my cool new voice.
“This is Officer Dover with the Washington State Patrol. I’d like to talk to you about an incident that occurred on Monday involving your car.”
“My car? What sort of incident?” Mitch is rattled. He really can’t tell it’s me.
“You don’t know what I’m referring to?”
“It appears, sir, that somebody else was driving your car on Monday.”
“Your mama.” I laugh. The “your mama” gag – the pinnacle of modern western humor.
He sounds annoyed. “Who is this?”
I’m laughing in my deep voice now. “I’m Officer Dover, Mitch! Officer Ben Dover!” I start cracking up; it’s very strange hearing an alien voice coming out of your mouth. Strange and funny. “Wait, here’s my buddy Phil McCavity!” I laugh and laugh. God, I am such a schmuck.
“Fuck off,” Mitch says, and hangs up.
The voice changer fucking rules!