Baby Report

I visited Mitch and Lisa and their new baby Hector today, which was nice. The parents look exhausted but happy. Mitch took a few weeks off work and is spending the entire time shuffling around in his pajamas, apparently. Lisa has dark circles under her eyes and complains to me about the difficulties of breast feeding, which I don't really care to know about, but whatever. Their fridge is absolutely packed with food from friends and family, and before I leave they load me up with a bunch of tortes and some turkey - there's no way they can eat all that shit.

Hector himself is a squinty little creature with a flat head. He's cute, I guess. I think I'm more of a toddler fan. Toddlers run/crawl around and do cute things and stuff - newborns just kind of lay there and look pissed or sleepy or something. Hector sort of looks like Herve Villachez, "Tatoo" from TV's Fantasy Island. I didn't say this to Mitch or Lisa, of course.

"Do you want to hold him?" Lisa asks.

"No," I say.

"Why not?"

"He's so small, Lisa. I don't want to hurt him."

I really am afraid that I'll crush him. What if I sneeze or have a muscle spasm or my powers go crazy? I can rip a phonebook in two with my bare hands. People like me shouldn't be around fragile little babies.

"You're not going to hurt him, dumbass," Mitch says.

"Here," Lisa says, gently handing Hector to me. "Hold him like this."

I take Hector into my arms gently. Wow, he weighs like, nothing. He kind of stirs a little in his swaddling cloth and does a little yawn thing. Okay, that's pretty cute.

"Smell him," Lisa says, which is not something you hear every day.

Hector smells like... like new baby. Like innocence, like an unlimited future full of hope, full of love.

Okay, I'm getting a little misty here. I hand Hector back to Lisa and clear my throat.

"Very cute," I say huskily, wiping my eyes.

Mitch is grinning. "Behold, my friend, the power of the baby."