Patrol Report

I get wet on patrol tonight. A storm front has rolled in off the Pacific, bringing high winds and rain squalls, and sheets of rain douse me as I leap around the rooftops of Queen’s Row. I like the rain. I always feel like a proper urban crimefighter when I patrol in fog or rain or snow – it adds to the whole ambience. You know what I’m talking about. You never see the Midnight Rambler skipping through a park on a bright sunny day with the birds singing and kites flying. No. He’s the Midnight Rambler, he belongs to the night, etc. Plus, I don't think he skips. Anyway, I feel cooler patrolling in the rain.

We can use the rain, too, we had a really dry winter. The snow pack in the Olympics is at 25% of normal, something like that. There’s going to be a big drought this summer. Fortunately, Shetfield waters their fairways with their own well water, so I have nothing to worry about. See? I have my priorities in order. As long as I can golf on pretty green grass, I’m happy.

Right, back to patrol. The ECPD Paracrime Unit is taking the night off, so I don’t have to restrict my patrol route. Still, I maintain situational awareness – I haven’t listened to music on my suit’s audio system for a while, and I make a habit of stopping every few minutes and just watching. I’m not going to get nailed by Paracrime because I’ve got Ministry cranked up on the suit’s audio and I’m not paying attention- that's just unprofessional.

Speaking of Paracrime, I haven’t picked up much of interest lately from the bug I planted on the trooper’s body armor. (see post Paracrime in your face Part One and Part Two, 3/05)From what I can gather, they’re spending the week training in Raymond and are doing some surveillance on an apartment that belongs to some woman named Hellman. I have no idea who that is or even if it’s of any significance. Although you would think if the Paracrime Unit is involved, this Hellman chick could be superhuman. Maybe a supervillain?

I stop an assault in Midtown – two drunken rednecks beating up on some poor guy who was probably just trying to stay dry and get home. Shit like this pisses me off, so I drop down and slap the rednecks around a little bit. After tossing BillyBob and Joe Joe against a wall repeatedly I flexcuff their wrists together. I’m checking on the guy to make sure he’s okay when two bike cops roll up. Time to split.

By the way, props to those cops for riding around on bikes in this shitty weather. That shows dedication.

Aside from the mugging, that’s about it, another uneventful patrol. I shouldn’t complain, sometimes the most exciting thing that happens to me on patrol is scaring sleeping pigeons on rooftops. Stopping a mugging is a respectable crimefighting thing to do. Plus – and this might not be a cool thing to say – it feels good to beat people up. Bad people, of course.