I have a great idea, one that may a) get me some inside dirt on the Paracrime Unit, and/or b) get me laid: a double-date with me, JC, Wendy, and Wendy's hot cousin, Lt. Emma Casperson of the Paracrime Unit. Am I brilliant? Yes, I am.
I call JC and Wendy's house. Wendy answers. Here's a transcript:
ME: Hey, Wendy. It's Connor.
WENDY: Hi Connor.
ME: So I'll cut to the chase. I've got this great idea: King Putt.
WENDY: The mini-golf place?
WENDY: I didn't think King Putt was your speed. Don't you and JC usually go to Shetfield...?
ME: Yes, and as a serious golfer I wouldn't be caught dead going into King Putt unless I was taking a niece or something, or if I had... a date.
ME: You still there?
WENDY: Yeah, I'm here. Where are you going with this?
ME: A double-date! I think you, me, JC, and Emma should all go out. It's supposed to be nice all week. We could do some mini-golf then go out for dinner or drinks or something.
WENDY: With Emma.
WENDY: You want me to hook you up with Emma.
WENDY: Look, Connor, I don't know how to say this. Actually, I do: Emma hates you.
ME: No, she doesn't.
WENDY: Yes, she does.
ME: We were totally flirting the other night, at your party!
WENDY: You were flirting. Besides, you were hitting on everything with breasts at our party. Like my mom...
ME: Uh, yeah. I sent her a little apology card.
WENDY: I should hope so. I mean, God, Connor - grabbing her ass...
ME: Who? Emma?
WENDY: My mom!
ME: I didn't grab her ass.
WENDY: You so totally grabbed her ass. You go, "Stairmaster's been treating you right, Judy!" and just grabbed her. I mean, my mother, Connor. Emma's aunt.
ME: Well, she does have a nice butt for a gal her age...
WENDY: I don't need to hear that.
ME: OK, Wendy, let's get back on task here: King Putt.
WENDY: Yeah, I don't think so, Connor.
ME: Why not? Can you just ask her at least, see if she's interested?
WENDY: You do realize that this is a woman who, for years, hated you because of that one night in college, right? I mean, she went to a therapist, Connor. [see post A birth, a wedding, and a hot cop, 1/19/05]
ME: Well, I'm a different person now. That's all water under the bridge and shit. Come on, Wendy! She's a police sniper, for God's sakes!
WENDY: Sharpshooter. She doesn't like it when you call her a sniper.
ME: Okay, sharpshooter. My point is - and I appreciate you defending your cousin, it's sweet - my point is, Emma's hard core. She's tough. I'm sure she's over something that happened over ten years ago. And she's an adult. Why don't you ask her if she'd be interested and get back to me? Is that too much to ask?
WENDY: I don't know. Probably.
ME: Do you want me to stay a pathetic bachelor my entire life? Come one, I'm trying to grow and evolve here.
WENDY: (sigh) Fine. I'll ask. But no moping or whining when she says no, okay?
ME: You're the best, Dubya!
WENDY: Yeah, yeah...
And there it is. She'll say yes.
Man, did Emma really hate me...?